8th Doctor - Zagreus (i)

Serial 8N - Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
Fourteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Men For Emily

D O C T O R W H O

Serial 8N - Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass -

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The story so far:

The Doctor's decision to shag the adventurous young Charley Pollard has had unfortunate consequences for his reputation, movie collection, sofa, and sanity - in that order.

Finally, returning to Gallifrey for Charley to give birth to their foul lovechild, the Doctor encountered the bathetic inhabitants of the universe of unmade sequels.

The so-called Nowhere-People attempted to send an invasion force of fanwankery to Gallifrey, shattering the credulity of Doctor Who and unleashing chaos upon the Universe.

Luckily - and inexplicably - Charley's childbirth provides a dues ex machina to save Gallifrey, the web of time and also drive the Doctor insane by the magical powers of retroactive continuity.

As such, he has taken on a new identity, that of the legendary Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, a beatnik poet who doesn't exist.

Like you do.
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Hooo boy... Okay, here we go...


Part One - Underpants

The Doctor - or rather, Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, cowers away from Charley as she storms through the TARDIS, alternately screaming threats or begging for sex. Desperately, the being no longer certain if he is the Doctor or Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass trips and falls down some stairs. As Charley moves to follow, she bumps into a swinging sixties blonde teenager in a PVC trenchcoat and naught else.

After a few minutes, Charley realizes that this woman is actually Polly Wright, Charley's niece grown up and followed in her aunt's footsteps of travelling through time and space in a police box. Polly notes this retcon does seem a bit extreme since she and Ben actually joined the Doctor in the belief they were stopping an insane old man from taking a crap in a phone box, and it just totally got out of hand from thereon in - but nowadays history is just there to be rewritten by some insane godlike Nowhereperson like Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass.

"Yeah, it really takes the fun out of it," Charley agrees.

Charley's niece explains that the Irish dock of the SS Titanic is just around the corner for some reason and she and Charley emerge from a doorway out into some cheap stock-footage from "Sick Morning". Charley struggles to understand what's going on - she's still not quite metabolized the epidural she just had and remembers she has a truly disgusting half-human son somewhere, the mutated side effect of a billion inter-species orgies.

Polly stares at Charley and dubs her the single coolest swinger she has ever met.

Just then Simon Murchford runs up to Charley - Simon was the young steward whose uniform she stole in order to smuggle herself aboard the Titanic. Murchford is furious - his pay has been docked, and he seems to have caught a nasty yeast infection. But that doesn't matter because he has fallen arse over tit in love with her and wants to stay with her forever and ever, even if she IS a spoiled rich whore who would know in the biblical sense civilization he could never have dreamed off.

Starting to realize that this is how she treated the Doctor and that it's a bit stifling, Charley and Polly flee back into the TARDIS, only to bump into Murchford again - ten years older and still utterly infatuated with her. He isn't even remotely put out that Charley has totally forgotten who he is after meeting him ten seconds previously. Charley suddenly notices someone more interesting to talk to, and stumbles into a parallel version of Murchford that never met her... but STILL falls utterly in love with her.

"God this is embarrassing," Charley notes - which is damning testimony from a naked blonde running around with a newborn placenta for a handbag.

"Good thing none of this is real then, huh?" Polly notes, explaining that the TARDIS is a miniature universe able of creating whole worlds of holo-deck style goodness.

Unfortunately, all the retroactive continuity is confusing the hell out of the TARDIS databanks - which are so clapped out Boolean algebra proves often too difficult to cope with.

To prove her point, Polly kicks the wall and instantly transforms into Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and the TARDIS is replaced by a ruined Gallifrey run by Imperiatrix Romana attempting and actually succeeding in conquering the entire universe and blowing the fuck out of absolutely every single timeline that dares look at her in a funny way.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS library, the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass/whoever the hell Paul McGann is playing wakes up to find the Third Doctor standing over him, bitching at how stupid this unfashionable Gollum-style nutter is - but doing so in such a cryptic and halting manner you could almost believe it was badly-edited soundbites of Jon Pertwee crudely being inserted into the narrative for no other reason that the morons behind this could.

"Who are you?" the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass asks.

"I’m. Who. You should. Be."

"A big-nosed, curly-haired git in a frilly shirt and velvet coat? I already am, dumbass!"

The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass realizes that this is an echo of his third incarnation's Super Disco form who haunts the TARDIS libraries, often scaring gullible companions and has spent the last few millennia going through all the books, crossing out the word "and" and replacing it with "but" every single time. The Third Doctor also has a right bitch that the shelf devoted to Howard/Stammers/Walker decades guide is ruined - all the pages are blank since the huge retcon explosion has erased the Doctor's history and totally failed to write a replacement.

The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass bitches that it's hardly a great loss. So what if the BBC Books, the DWM comic strip, the Radio Times comic strip and Big Finish contradict each other? They're all equally valid and (in his opinion) all equally crap. Who cares if the fan historians get their knickers in a twist?

The Third Doctor snaps it is not limited to the Eighth Doctor. Already the cut-and-dry nature of his timeline is distorting: the three minutes his fifth incarnation spent with Peri Brown before his untimely regeneration are now four years, crammed full with adventures and a new Egyptian Pharoh, Eminem, as a companion; his Sixth self was not only accompanied by a three-foot penguin but also a sour-face octogenarian called Evelyn; and the fate of his former self and Ace has been changed and re-made so many times he gets confused and gives up, leaving Ace a burnt, dead Frenchwoman in leather and shades answering to the name of Dorothee McShane, Time's Viagra.

"So?" asks the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, shrugging.

The Third Doctor sighs and storms off in a cloud of ectoplasm, down a long, long, black tunnel with a blinding light at the end of it - reminiscent of a near death experience or a near sex experience, we cannot be sure which. For want of something better to do, the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass skips girlishly down the tunnel, glad that at least he doesn't have that annoying bint Charley with him any more.

The Brigadier kicks the wall of the ruined Panopticon, trying to get the holographic projection to come up with something even vaguely interesting, ideally something that can sort out this tedious retcon-energy story arc and also employ a bunch of hack actors as it's the fortieth anniversary and Big Finish don't want to go against the grain.

However, all they get is a quick Les Dawson sketch of Polly and Sarah Jane Smith laughing at how pathetic and screwed up Charley is, before they both get wasted and have a threesome with Zoe Heriot.

At that moment, the simulation shuts down, much to the annoyance of... well, everyone.

Meanwhile, the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass finds a glittery mirrorball hanging from the ceiling and stares at it for just long enough that it starts to get creepy. Suddenly, the being splits in two - the dazed, shaken Eighth Doctor, and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, the ultimate evil that rather disappointingly shouts like a gumby and say things like "ZIG-ZAG-GAY-ASS SMASH!!" a lot. The Eighth Doctor tells Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass to shut the fuck up for a minute - he's cured!

The Eighth Doctor laughs and steps out of the room and instantly transformed back into the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, and runs back inside. This is the Canon-Proof Heart of the TARDIS (not to be confused with a certain Dave Stone novel "Non-Canon Proof Heart of the TARDIS"), as long as the Doctor stays in here, the anti-canon energy is held in check and his mind remains clear enough for him to be appalled by what Charley's done to him and swears that he will not let her seduce him a second time.

Well, maybe a second time, but definitely not a third.

Unless it's really good.

Not just your usual "true nature of ecstasy" but TOTALLY fantastic, supreme, dynamite sex, as well.

And certainly not a fourth!

Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass starts to shout about all the parallel timelines that exist alongside the true one and how he intends to smash them all because anything else would require a modicum of writing talent and it's so much easier to have a mindless destroyer unlimited by the physical laws of the universe than, say, someone who actually acts like something in real life!

The Doctor looks through some of the timelines and he and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass start to laugh at the really ridiculous ones.

"Look! Borusa is my grandfather! What bollocks! The Bastard's my half-brother, Dustbins are cyborg spiders, and I'm quarter-Egyptian on my step-niece's side! Get real! And look, I'm a complete bearded amnesiac living in a brothel being haunted by a fat bloke dressed as a gorilla! What a load of rubbish! And me travelling with a lesbian fish girl, fighting a Cyberman invasion of Camden market! ...Actually, Ziggy, let's look at that one again, it sounds cool..."

Meanwhile, the Brigadier decides that they'll need to try and sort out this business on their own, since the Eighth Doctor is clearly not going to get off his Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass any time in the foreseeable future. However, if they call the Time Lords for help, the most fundamental part of the Whoniverse will be retconned beyond recognition. This is bad, apparently, cause of reasons briefly mentioned in the previous story.

Charley's suggestion of giving the Doctor "one hell of an enema" is turned down by the Brigadier, insisting that the power of anti-time is too strong for that.

"Who said anything about anti-time?" Charley blinks. "I just want some payback for what that cunt put me through!"

The Brigadier waspishly tries another simulation, explaining that retcon infection is permanent - the Doctor will FOREVER be Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and will ALWAYS be Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and must NEVER leave the TARDIS to infect the rest of reality and there is absolutely NO WAY this can ever be changed EVER!

"Prove it," Charley retorts, folding her arms.

Charley and the Brigadier emerge into an army barracks sometime in the 1950s and bump into a surly redhaired soldier called Captain Vislor Turlough, who's having a fag to get away from the other idiots he has to spend the day with, though he's got a filing room shag with Driver Nyssa at two so the Brigadier and Charley can piss off already.

Emerging from the storeroom marked "Ever So Secret" and passing "Top Secret", "Secret" and "Not At All Secret - Please Enter", the Brigadier and Charley find an interesting device marked "Le Danger Le Nuclear Bomb". Apparently it has been brought to the base for research as no one is able to translate the French language sufficiently to understand the inscription.

It is then that Dr Eminemushinteperem arrives with a dimond-tipped trill, a chainsaw and some industrial bleach. She has worked out that this is a weapon of mass destruction and wants to set it off by whacking it with a lump hammer repeatedly.

Then the base chaplain, Doctor the Fifth arrives with his niece Peri Brown and the humble tommy soldier, Private S. Adric.

Together they struggle to drag Eminem out of the room as she screams, "Why won't you let me set off the bomb, you bastards?!"

The Fifth Doctor rages that this has to be the worst collection of scientific assistance he's had to put up with and damns all the way to hell the morons at the Touchwood Institute that decided that a psychotically violent pyromaniac would make a great lab assistant.

In fact, such moronic events like this test his faith and wonders if the modern science they are working here can explain why his life feels like it's been directed by two middle-aged sci fi fans with no real grasp of plot, dialogue or characterization determined to take down the fourth wall brick by brick.

"Well, who DOESN'T get that feeling from time to time?" the Brigadier comforts him.

As they handcuff Eminem and lock her in the broom cupboard, the Fifth Doctor becomes more and more frustrated and paranoid - he believes that humanity evolved into its current form for a reason. The trouble is, all the reasons he can think of (aliens, god, pure chance) all smack of plot contrivance, as if the creator of the universe hasn't got the hang of plot structure and credibility.

In his enthusiasm, the Fifth Doctor gleefully bags out Peri, Adric, Emimem, Nyssa and Turlough for being obstacles in his important work to find out exactly what is running the universe and then give them a few writing lessons.

Adric storms off in tears. No one notices, since they are more interested in Eminem's muffled shouts that she's willing to take the bomb to the middle of Moscow before blowing it up, but it's her last offer.

At that moment, the filing room door swings open to show Turlough has been handcuffed to a filing cabinet, with an apple jammed in his mouth and his trousers removed. Nyssa is beating him with a spiked club screaming, "WHAT'S MA NAME, BITCH?!" at an annoyingly loud volume.

The Fifth Doctor slams the door shut, losing his temper with his annoying entourage. He's had enough of this bollocks - death can only be a blessed release compared to this! He storms off to the lab, determined to blow up the bomb himself.

"This is major league fucked up," Charley muses, nibbling on the placenta as she's gotten a bit peckish of late.

Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass are noting all the timelines that have to be destroyed right away because they're just plain embarrassing - like that reality where the Doctor is accompanied by a holographic android cat called Splinx, or a chronically depressed pink lizard called C'Rizz.

Distantly there is the sound of a devastating explosion echoing throughout history, something so terrible and powerful niether the Doctor or Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass can stop is on it's way straight towards them and there's no doubt that this is the end of the world...

The Doctor blows out his cheeks and offers Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass a game of I Spy.

The Brigadier arrives at the lab to find Tegan Jovanka - the most dangerous Cuban Communist Rebel in history - has arrived and is trying to set off the bomb to destroy the barracks. However, her tampering merely causes the bomb to start talking in a fruity electronic voice, explaining it's really Kamelion and is so glad someone gave him the power of speech before...

Tegan kicks the bomb and it falls silent, before starting to tick ominously.

Then, the Fifth Doctor, Charley, Peri, Turlough, Nyssa and Adric burst him (as much as a mob like that CAN "burst in") with the blond cricketer screaming he intends to blow a hole in the fabric of time and space and reveal the face of God.

"Do you have a plan B?" asks Peri hopefully.

Immediately Tegan draws a gun and swings round to cover the newcomers as the bomb ticks rapidly down to zero. Adric makes a charge and Tegan shoots him dead - and, in the wild applause that follows, Turlough dives onto the bomb and disarms it, while Nyssa breaks Tegan's nose and twists her arm.

Charley claps happily that despite all the mayhem and intrigue, good has triumphed, evil has been vanquished, peace has been restored - and what's more, the tea's still warm enough to drink.

She then notices the Brigadier running for his life, clutching his head and gibbering with fear.

The Fifth Doctor realizes they forgot about Eminem...

At that moment, the ex-Pharoah smashes through the wall on a demolition ball, swinging back and striking the bomb, which finally explodes, drowning out the sound of Eminem's insane laughter.

The explosion rips a hole in the fabric of reality like a dodgy tear in a CSO backdrop and Nyssa, Tegan, Adric and Turlough are sucked into the void beyond the rift, to be lost forever. The Fifth Doctor starts screaming that this is just TYPICAL!!

Moments later, he too is sucked out of reality and Peri and Charley cling to the edges of the lab screaming in terror... until they remember this all just VR and none of this is actually happening.

Much relieved (if slightly embarrassed) the duo turn and leave.