6th Doctor - The Ratings War

Serial DWMCD02 – The Meep’s Sweeps
The Meep’s Sweeps
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Plugging Holes

Serial DWMCD02 – The Meep’s Sweeps -

At a loose end, the Doctor arrives on Earth in the year 2001 and decides to forget all about his problems and watch TV until his brain liquefies. However, there is nothing on that he wants to watch – "Young Cops in Hospital", "Wacky Domestic Mishaps" and "Holy Shit!! There’s Dinosaurs!", and of course the finale of "Big Brother".

Upon learning that this innovative reality TV shows have been brought in by the Controller of BBC Television, Gustave "Charnel House" Lytton, the Doctor becomes suspicious about the sudden pandering to the lowest common denominator with a diet of reality TV, docu-dramas, soap operas and quiz shows for people with low IQs. He becomes even more suspicious when he discovers that many of the rival on-air personalities have recently died in a series of tragic accidents and suicides.

After his letter to Points of View is ignored, the Doctor decides to complain in person to Lytton – whereupon the Doctor realizes that Gustave Lytton is, in fact, GUSTAVE Lytton, ex-commander of the Dustbin Assault Force, Cyberman PR Dept and most loyal henchman of the most cruel and disturbingly cute creature in the cosmos: BEEP THE MEEP!

The Doctor is furious! During the last occasion he fought Lytton and the Meep, they stole his TARDIS – and it was lucky a passing Cyber assault squad were using a future Doctor’s TARDIS that they won in a game of poker, otherwise the Doctor would have been marooned. He demands Lytton give back the stolen time machine or else!

Just then, the Meep emerges from a pile of cuddly toys and locks the door, eagerly anticipating the Doctor’s gruesome death, but the Doctor reveals that he picked Beep’s pouch and stole his laser pistol under the cover of copping a feel.

Beep admits that he’s infiltrated the BBC and altered its programming in order to play on the human race’s weakness for cute images and sentimentality. And as long as his rivals try to compete on his terms by showing more of the same programming, he will never be defeated! When the final episode of "Big Brother" screens, subliminal messages out through the programme, bringing the entire audience under Beep’s control. And immediately afterwards, the pilot episode of "Beep and Bitches" will program his army to kill all those who remain free!!

The Doctor vows to stop Beep from completing his vile plan, but Beep then reveals that he has hostages, on the set of "Look! Appealing Animals in Distress". The programme is broadcast live from a local animal shelter, and if the Doctor takes one more step towards the door or tries to shoot Beep, then Lytton will use a remote control to release corrosive gas into the shelter and kill all of the helpless, cute little animals in the most horrible manner possible.

The Doctor is staggered. "You know," he says, "if I was a naive blond youth with a stick of celery stuck in my lapel, that might ACTUALLY have slowed me down. For a moment."

The Time Lord shoots Lytton dead and blasts the subliminal signal unit long ago, and gleefully informs the Meep that he’s spent months supervising cloying, overly sentimental programming for nothing! Beep the Meep runs out, vowing to giving his human audience one horrible image to remember him by -- the deaths of their simpering idols, Todd and Lucy, the finalists of "Big Brother!"

Outside the House, show host Robbie McIdiot whips the already cheering audience into a frenzy as they wait to see who will emerge from the studio doors. The vacuous and idiotic Todd and Lucy emerge, and then a furry animal runs in, explaining he has a very special gift in the shape of a fully-loaded laser pistol for the celebrities.

The Doctor barges in, screaming that the sweet, furry little creature is in fact a homicidal lunatic and throttles the Meep unconscious – with everyone watching assuming this a strangely violent publicity stunt on behalf of "Beep and Friends" involving a deranged children’s entertainer strangling an animatronic animal.

However, the new replacement for Lytton as Director of the BBC, Oliver St John Mollusc, puts "Beep and Friends" on hiatus for eighteen months, and that the recovering Todd has vowed to make a TV-movie about his experiences. The phones are ringing off the hook -- but it seems that nobody’s interested in Todd or Lucy.

Instead, the viewing audience wants to see more of this mysterious Doctor. But the Doctor turns down Robbie’s request for an interview; in its current state, television just can’t do him justice. He needs a new medium in which to express himself fully. But rest assured... we’ll be hearing more from him in the future.

Having smashed down every last brick of the fourth wall, the Doctor returns to collect his TARDIS from Meep’s secret lair. It then strikes him that he now has TWO time machines, and the newest one is pre-destined to be lost in a poker game with the Cybermen, so he’ll have to be the sucker and lose it, so his past self can collect it and it becomes the one he’s using now.

"Damn. I hate time travel," he grumbles as he enters the stolen TARDIS and heads off to the planet Telos for a rigged poker game. "Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get out of your own time era..."

The end credits are replaced with an excerpt from the first episode of Beep and Friends and a clutch of animatronic Meeps frolic happily on screen, singing a happy song about slaughter and carnage.


Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Loses The Ratings War by M. Grade
The Chronicles of Beep The Meep (Volume 6)
"Some Rabbit Thing Nearly Killed Me!" by Todd off Big Brother


Goofs -
After all the wanky references to the BBC canceling Doctor Who, this story DOESN’T actually feature the bit where the new Director General commissions a brand new series written by a Gay Welshman starring a gritty Northerner and a pop tart. Why not?!! Don’t tell me that they didn’t KNOW what was going to happen over a year later!!!


Technobabble -
The Doctor regeneration has altered the "lardy-bastardo" levels of his cellular intelligence matrix, so gassing cute kittens won’t even give him pause for thought!


Links and References –
The Doctor says Beep is as harmless as a Womble (a reference to Orinoco in "Rhododendron of the Dustbins").


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor’s infamous poker game with the Cyber Controller where he plays to lose, first hinted at in "Atari of the Cybermen".


Groovy DVD Extras -
The full, uncut version of the Meep’s song, death threats and soundbites easily downloadable for ring-tones on your mobile.


Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Hello, I wish to register a complaint. Hello? Miss?
Lytton: What do you mean, 'miss'?
Doctor: Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Lytton: Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.
Doctor: Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this television license what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Lytton: Oh yes, the 1000 hours of quality television on BBC1. What’s wrong with it?
Doctor: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s shit, that’s what wrong with it.
Lytton: No, no, it’s ironic, look!
Doctor: Look my lad, I know shit television when I watch it and I’m watching it right now.
Lytton: No, no, sir, it’s not shit. It’s postmodern.
Doctor: Postmodern?
Lytton: Yeah, remarkable ratings for this program schedule. The sweeps for November, February and May were brilliant.
Doctor: The sweeps don’t enter into it – it’s total shit.
Lytton: No, no – it’s self-aware.
Doctor: Look my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this, that TV is definitely defecation. And when I bought the license not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of quality was due it not being the ratings season, when all good shows are tired and shagged out after a five month syndication deal!
Lytton: It’s probably just appealing to a higher demographic.
Doctor: "Appealing to a higher demographic?!" What kind of talk is that?! You’ll be telling me it’s pining for the fjords next!


Dialogue Triumphs -

Meep: You won't get away with this!
Doctor: Try and stop me, sparky!


Meep: Short of a red hot poker, I've found the most direct route from the people's eyes to their hearts.


The replacement for the episode’s theme music over the closing credits:
"Oh we dance and we play, with joy we gush
As our dreadful song turns your brain to mush
Join the fun and you’ll see, soon you’ll agree
You are Beep’s Friend after all!

Ask your neighbor round for a bite and a drink
Then nibble off his face till he’s raw and pink
Enjoy his surprise when you suck out his eyes
You are Beep’s Friend, smash them all!

Put your dog in a blender and close the lid
Cut your hamster to pieces to feed your kid
Slice the fur from your cat, deep fry him in some fat
You are Beep’s Friend, kill them all!

REND AND CLAW! REND AND CLAW!
KILL THEM ALL! KILL THEM ALL!
KILL – THEM – ALL!

Let the streets run red, spread our message of pain
When they beg for their lives, use the pliers again
No need to ask why, do it for the Most High
YOU ARE BEEP’S FRIEND, CONQUER ALL!"


Viewer Quotes -

"I laughed out loud. I wonder what that says about me?"
- Charlie Manson (2003)

"In 1989 the BBC axed the show after an incredible 26 years on the air. That 26 years produced an amazing 713 episodes (splitting them into 25 minute sections). A quick calculation has that at just over 297 hours worth of Doctor Who. Compare this to the following shows, arguably the top TV Cult Dramas: Star Trek - Original: 59 hours; Star Trek - TNG: 133 hours; Blake’s Seven: 39 hours; X-Files: 150 hours; Babylon Five: 90 hours; Buffy: 91 hours; Prisoner: 14 hours. There is none that even comes close to the almost 300 hours worth of programming that the BBC gave to Doctor Who. Maybe I am a fellow who sees the cup half-full, but my point is that the BBC deserves credit for that."
- Maths Nerd With No Friends (2000)

"Get off me, you pathetic creature! Unhand the Most High! You will suffer for this, I promise you! I will chew on your dull grey brains! I will devastate this miserable world! Blood will run through your streets! I will poke out your dogs’ eyes and rip off your cute rabbits’ heads! Your little guinea pigs won’t taste so good when they are revoltingly mashed into tiny pies! You ever thought of guinea pig pie? Or hamster pie? Well, that’ll happen to you! And your pets! Your eyes will make a wonderful egg nog! I will scoop out all the jubbly bits and I will get your intestines and make them skipping ropes for rats! A shrew will make incredible ease of cleaning out your nostrils! Your heads will be evaporated and inverted! I will turn you into inside out and make you blue and green and yellow and paint you will all forms of tasty morsels for sharks to eat! I will feed your cutest animals to your most unpleasant animals and then take your most unpleasant animals and make YOU their friends! I will tie you to bears! I will suck out your brains and spray them over the air and the waves, yes the waves, the waters! Drown in water until you are utterly, utterly DEAD! All of you! The smallest to the tallest to the fattest to the shortest will feed my army of ants! That’s right! ANTS! Insects will take over this world, not you, you furry, fleshy, horrible blubby nasty things with your disgusting faces and your horrible little eyebrows! Eyebrows? What’s the point of eyebrows anyway?"
- Beep the Meep’s press statement upon his arrest (2001)

"There’s a difference between being perceptive and being smug. And this story proved it without a shadow of a doubt." - Nev Fountain (2002)


Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Why didn’t Lorainne Heggesy bring back 'Beep and Friends'? Is that fair, I ask you?"


Colin Baker Speaks!
"I love the character of the Meep. You know where you are with psychopaths and the thing is he doesn’t LOOK like a psychopath. It’s a lot easier to be revolting than charming. We all learned that harsh lesson at an early age..."


Rumors & Facts –

Desperate to keep people interested in their new Eighth Doctor range, Executive Producer of Big Finish Gay Russell decided it was best to do what they did last time and give a preview of the first episode of the first story of the season on a free CD from Doctor Who Magazine. However, this ALSO meant coming up with a half-hour non-Eighth-Doctor exclusive audio play to fill up the rest of the CD and appeal to those losers who insist Paul McGann isn’t canon.

After last time, Russell wasn’t stupid enough to get Nicholas Briggs to adapt one of his Oddly Visual stories, and so decided for a brand new story featuring Colin Baker. Unfortunately, the only author available was Steve Lyons.

Lyons was not fussed at being given less than a week to pen the script as he had come up with a great new character; a cute furball that was really a ferocious killer he called Meep the Beep intending to brainwash the human race with a staged TV broadcast. He was utterly convinced the idea had never been used before, even when Russell pointed out that less than a year ago there was a rather popular comic strip entitled 'TV Acting!' where a cute furball that was really a ferocious killer called Beep the Meep intended to brainwash the human race with a staged TV broadcast.

However, there was no other choice and the whole thing was made.

Life somehow continued.