Scene 21 – the Valeyard’s TARDIS
[The Valeyard (still in his underwear) and Glitz are leaning against the console. Glitz is holding a paperback titled "101 TIME-WASTING LATERAL THINKING CHALLENGES TO PASS 18 MONTH HIATUSES". On the scanner, the Doctor can be seen trying to climb the walls of his prison.]
VALEYARD: You see, if he was an American writer, why use the English spelling in his suicide note? It’s murder.
GLITZ: What, he was done in by some bloke who was that fussy about spelling, but not smart enough to know the guy wouldn’t write like that? Isn’t he going to go, "Half a millisecond, I just gave a blatant clue that I strangled the bombo, so I better rethink this plan before the law gets here?"
VALEYARD: I don’t write these things, but that is the answer.
GLITZ: It’s a stupid answer. How do you know it wasn’t genuine suicide after her realized how much he’d been mangling the Queen’s English all these years?
VALEYARD: How many people commit suicide by back-flipping onto a Japanese samurai sword?
GLITZ: Sixteen.
VALEYARD: You bloody liar!
GLITZ: It’s true!
VALEYARD: Bullshit!
GLITZ: It’s completely true!
[Behind them, the scanner image starts to break up and distort.]
VALEYARD: Oh, bloody hell! ANOTHER mind has broken into my illusion!
GLITZ: Don’t change the subject, you coward! I’m telling you sixteen of the spanking freaks seppuku’d right in front of me...
VALEYARD: Oh, well, you never lie, do you? All those prison psychiatrists were all mistaken.
GLITZ: Now that’s just below the belt!
[Glitz shoves the Valeyard. The Valeyard shoves back. Glitz headbutts the Valeyard and starts kicking. Over the Valeyard’s shouts of pain, we zoom in on the scanner as it fills with static.]
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Scene 22 – Courtyard
[The Doctor finally crawls over the top of the wall and gets to his feet. In front of him is an old Victorian factory, with a ridiculously camp flashing neon sign screaming "SPACE BASTARDS INC." Shaking his head in disgust, he runs up the stairwell to the front door. He then removes an old-fashioned Scout’s penknife and opens the spike for removing stones from horse’s hooves. He then moves towards the door, bends down, inserts the spike into the lock and starts to wiggle it around. He stops.]
DOCTOR: What the hell am I doing? Using a fucking penknife? I am a Time Lord, not a boy fucking scout!
[He throws the penknife away, takes out a sonic screwdriver and zaps the lock. Nothing happens. He tries again. He drops the sonic screwdriver, grabs the door handle and hauls on it, trying to rip the door open. There is a harsh, tense sound which you may have heard earlier in the episode, but I’ll assume you’re all clueless morons who can’t put two and two together and act all coy. Ahem. It sounds as though the machinery of Hell is clanging around the Doctor!]
DOCTOR: Do you mind? I’m trying to work on the lock! Stop that clanging machinery of Hell!
[The Bastard materializes behind the Doctor. Making a gun-shape with his gloved hand, the Bastard presses the ‘barrel’ hard at the back of the Doctor’s head.]
DOCTOR: Ah. Shit.
BASTARD: The High Council wanted you dead. And so does the Inquisitor. And the Kipper of the Matrix. Pretty much everyone wants you dead.
DOCTOR: Why don’t you oblige them then?
BASTARD: Well. To be honest, I don’t have a gun.
DOCTOR: What?!
[The Doctor whirls around and discovers the truth. The Bastard laughs uproarishly.]
BASTARD: You were so scared!
DOCTOR: I was not!
BASTARD: Scaredy-scaredy-scaredy cat!
DOCTOR: GROW UP! We have very little time left for this episode, this story, this bleeding season and YOU are humiliating me AGAIN! What unprofessional infantile sod WROTE this drivel?
BASTARD: I thought it was obvious.
DOCTOR: It’s a rhetorical question.
BASTARD: Oh, no, it was Eric Saward. Definitely.
DOCTOR: So why don’t you just kill me then? The final outrage against this television program?
BASTARD: You’re joking, aren’t you? I’d become a local hero! As if I want to spoil my anti-establishment image? I DON’T FINK SO!!! Anyway, I’ve sort of left it too late. The Valeyard’s contract has been revoked. If I kill you, he’ll sense it.
DOCTOR: He’ll do more than that, very probably. He’ll also drops out of existence together.
BASTARD: Ah, but the terminal effect would take a while to reach him. So the plan wouldn’t work.
DOCTOR: And that’s why you spared me? Oh, I’m grateful. So grateful. You’re all lucid and compassionate. Like the idiot behind all this has forgotten which of us is supposed to be the hero of this story!
BASTARD: Be fair, Doctor. I’m only sparing you, because killing you will make the Valeyard open a Time Vent and take everything with him!
DOCTOR: What?!
BASTARD: I know. Your naughty future self has such impetuosity, my dear Doctor...
DOCTOR: What the hell is a Time Vent?
BASTARD: [Sighs] In the first moments of the universe there were myriad possibilities. Thirty-seven different dimensions, with physics more complicated than anything known in current reality. But most of those dimensions collapsed, leaving just Time, Space, Death and Reality. The rest are just loops through which fundamental forces still act, or have vanished without trace.
DOCTOR: I hope you know where you’re going with this...
BASTARD: There are still links to those still-born universes, those microcosms where the laws of Time and Physics are so different that any life-form who evolved in this dimension cannot hope to survive!
DOCTOR: And this is relevant because...?
BASTARD: Because that is what the Time Vent is, you tit!
DOCTOR: And it just happens to be in the Matrix?
BASTARD: Yes. All the Time Vents were mapped, sealed, disguised as white goods and kept secure in this amplified pantroptic network to keep safe from dangerous hands.
DOCTOR: Which is why the Valeyard has got his hands on one and can now destroy the universe?
BASTARD: Yes, it IS a cruel twist of fate now you happen to point it out...
DOCTOR: Who built these Vent things anyway?
BASTARD: No one knows.
DOCTOR: Well... how do they work?
BASTARD: No one knows.
DOCTOR: Why are they even called Time Vents when Time has nothing to do with it?
BASTARD: How the hell should I know? Look, it’s a last-minute doomsday macguffin added to the plot – get over it!
DOCTOR: Right. Seems he’s thought of everything. The Valeyard, I mean, not the writer. He’s probably pissed himself again and blaming it all on the producer for not getting him adult diapers.
BASTARD: Yes, well, you still have to put it all to an end – at any cost.
DOCTOR: That sounds ominous.
BASTARD: It IS ominous. And much easier said than done, unless you offer him what he wants.
DOCTOR: Oh, why the hell not? Anything beats being locked in cells for three episodes!
BASTARD: Somehow I thought you’d say that.
DOCTOR: Must make a change for you to be right. As a matter of complete disinterest, what did the Inquisitor offer you in return for killing me? Or are you pro bono?
BASTARD: She offered to completely forget my past misdemeanors.
DOCTOR: What an insult.
BASTARD: Yes, especially as I’m really proud of them. Apart from that one time I turned into a sea lion. Plus, I’d have to get renamed as something all neat and sanitized like the Controller... or the Vicar... or the Cleric... or the Master...
DOCTOR: Yeah, quit while you’re ahead.
BASTARD: I was going to say the same to you.
DOCTOR: Why?
BASTARD: Just something I heard Michael Grade saying in the canteen at lunch.
DOCTOR: That sounds VERY ominous.
BASTARD: Anyway. Universe in danger and now only YOU can get close enough to stop the Valeyard. The final episode is very nearly over.
DOCTOR: Then I’d better get a move on. Are you coming with me?
BASTARD: Ah. Um. Well... [He fades slowly] Oh drat! Out of power! Darn!
DOCTOR: Very bloody convenient. Writer’s pet!
BASTARD: [Shrugs] Sorry about that. I guess this is goodbye then. Good luck...
[The Bastard slowly fades away, leaving the Doctor alone.]
DOCTOR: Good luck? Makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Oh, as long as I don’t stick to the script... [shouts] OI! VALEYARD! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, WE ESTABLISHED THAT AT THE START OF THE EPISODE! I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU BOLLOCK-BRAINED CRAPWIT!!!
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Scene 23 – the Valeyard’s TARDIS
[Glitz stops kicking the Valeyard as the static clears on the screen to show the Doctor.]
DOCTOR: [dist] I want to make a deal with you, you asinine cretin!
[Dazed and bleeding heavily from the nose, the Valeyard grabs the side of the console and pulls himself into view. His black eyes roll in his head.]
GLITZ: Go on, answer him you great pratt!
[The Valeyard gets to his feet, rocks on his heels, then collapses onto the floor.]
GLITZ: Wuss.
DOCTOR: [dist] The Bastard’s just told me if lieu of visual drama that you control a dues ex machina called a Time Vent – and that you might feel a little inclined to open it!
[The Valeyard doesn’t get up from the floor.]
VALEYARD: [groans] Your point being?
DOCTOR: [dist] You don’t really want to do that. Not when you’ve won. My remaining lives are yours!
VALEYARD: I don’t trust him...
GLITZ: That’s a nice way to talk about yourself.
[He kicks the Valeyard again.]
VALEYARD: Oh wonderful. You’ve gone from assaulting me again and again to insulting my own self-esteem. Life is horrible. Horrible I tell you.
GLITZ: Don’t tell me, tell the main character of this franchise!
[Whimpering in pain, the Valeyard reaches up underneath the console and pulls down a microphone.]
VALEYARD: You don’t fool me, curly. The High Council will never permit it!
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Scene 24 – Courtyard
[The Doctor rolls his eyes.]
DOCTOR: Good thing they’ve resigned then! Keep up, you moron!
VALEYARD: [vo] Well, then, how the hell am I going to take your lives then, huh? And I remind you the wrong answer will very likely lead me to destroying the universe. And Glitz will let me, won’t you?
GLITZ: [vo] Yeah, probably. Can’t let this mindless violence get in the way of the cliffhanger ending, can I? It’d be far too much trouble, wouldn’t it?
VALEYARD: [vo] Yeah! You hear that? Got a smart answer now?
DOCTOR: Yes, I do, actually!
VALEYARD: [vo] Bollocks.
DOCTOR: We make our OWN deal, our own contract. The High Council can’t do a damn thing about it, can they? Honestly, are you suffering senile dementia or something? You have to be the dumbest villain I’ve encountered this whole series – and that includes bloody Drathro!
VALEYARD: [vo] Er, YOU are the one picking a fight with the guy who can destroy the universe!
DOCTOR: No, YOU are.
VALEYARD: [vo] What??
DOCTOR: Think about it. And while you’re at it, let me in so we can talk without post-audio dubbing, you incompetent Ghost of Christmas Future wannabe!
[There is a brief pause, then slowly the door to "Space Bastards Inc." creaks open. Cautiously the Doctor crosses to it and peers into the bright light beyond the door.]
DOCTOR: It is a far, far better thing I do now, than I have ever done. It is a far, far greater sleep I go to, than I have ever known....
GLITZ: [vo] Oh, shut up and get on with it!
DOCTOR: Typical! I can’t even self-eulogize nowadays...
[He enters the factory.]
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Scene 25 – Trial Room
[The Time Lords and Mel are sitting around, rather depressed, singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" to themselves. Suddenly, the Bastard prances into the room.]
BASTARD: We may yet win. There’s another seven minutes of screen time and Valeyard has allowed the Doctor to enter his base. We might even tie up in intricate season-long story-arc as well!
[Concerned, the Inquisitor turns to the Kipper.]
INQUISITOR: Is it possible for the same body to exist in close proximity with itself?
KIPPER: Of course it bleeding is! The two of them were in the same courtroom for the past month and reality didn’t crack in two did it? The Matrix, like the Trial Room, is outside of continuity.
SAUNDERS: So does that mean we’re the Time Lords from the future or the Time Lords from the present?
FRENCH: Dunno. Does it matter?
SAUNDERS: Probably not.
MEL: Is the Doctor all right?
BASTARD: For the time being, but the script editor despises the character and the actor, so I don’t think anyone should get their hopes up for Season 24.
MEL: Could I see him?
BASTARD: That’s between you and your optometrist. I don’t get involved.
MEL: I mean, can we watch him on the screen?
BASTARD: Oh. Nice idea. We really should have done that earlier.
[They all turn to face the screen as it flickers into life to show the the Doctor entering the Valeyard’s TARDIS control room.]
MEL: Doctor!
INQUISITOR: He can’t hear you, child.
MEL: Oh. DOCTOR!!!!!!
[The Bastard backhands her unconscious.]
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Scene 26 – the Valeyard’s TARDIS
[The Doctor stands by the doors; the Valeyard by the fridge-shaped entrance to the Time Vent. Glitz leans against the console, throwing a tennis ball at the wall and letting it bounce back into his hand.]
DOCTOR: Oh great. I see that the Bastard was telling the truth. I was really working on the assumption he was talking complete crap and you had absolutely nothing on your side. But not only do have a doomsday weapon, you’ve already blown the bolts on the Time Vent.
VALEYARD: Did he think I was bluffing?
DOCTOR: We didn’t think you were smart enough to know yourself. It would match with your behavior so far you tedium-inducing personality-free parasite. And if you say "Feeble provocation" just once more there shall be forced to be a rather nasty incident involving your legs and a Scout’s penknife. Which I now remember I happened to have left outside. But don’t say you weren’t warned.
VALEYARD: I wasn’t going to say "feeble provocation".
GLITZ: Oh yes you were.
VALEYARD: Oh no I wasn’t!
DOCTOR: Oh yes you were!
VALEYARD: Oh no I wasn’t!
DOCTOR: Enough pantomime. What WERE you going to say, Hyde to my Jekyll?
VALEYARD: Ahm. I was going to say "Forever... sentimental..."
GLITZ: Sounds like a bloody greetings card.
DOCTOR: And I’m not feeling remotely sentimental, Valeyard. You want to destroy everything? Go ahead, you whiny little cry-baby bitch.
GLITZ: Do you think it wise to provoke psychotic sociopaths to extremes of violence?
DOCTOR: No, but then HE’S not a psychotic sociopath.
VALEYARD: Am so!
DOCTOR: Are not!
VALEYARD: Am so!
DOCTOR: Are not!
VALEYARD: Am so!
DOCTOR: Whoops, running out of time. You overestimate yourself, Valeyard, you’re just a pathetic old man who’s lost his nerve!
VALEYARD: And you’re an arrogant, overbearing upstart who’s pissing his life away hanging around teenage girls and alien slugs! The only reason I’M a pathetic old man is because YOU wasted the best years of my life cruising for chicks with the Loch Ness Monster! I’ve had to put up with your smug, chubby, childish whinging for the last fourteen episodes! Oh, how I hate myself! And I hate YOU even more!
DOCTOR: Well, you won’t want my lives then!
VALEYARD: They’re MY lives. YOU just haven’t squandered them on easy vices yet!
DOCTOR: Screw you then! You can’t have them!
VALEYARD: What? But you promised you intended to surrender your lives!
DOCTOR: And, disturbingly, you fell for it.
VALEYARD: You lied to me!
DOCTOR: Give that man an award for his insight!
VALEYARD: Ooh, what have I won?
DOCTOR: A long, lingering death with no extra regenerations!
VALEYARD: In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve got the Ultimate Weapon in this fridge-o-dare of mine!
DOCTOR: That’s right, guess your memory isn’t going after all. So now you can go ahead and destroy everything. Isn’t that what you want?
GLITZ: What are you saying?! This isn’t in the script! You’re supposed to be blubbing like a baby.
DOCTOR: However did I develop into such a pathetic individual? You’ve allowed the High Council, of all people, to manipulate you from beginning to end. You even connived in their pathetic endeavors to cover-up the near destruction of Earth – supposedly your favorite planet! You’ve destroyed the credibility of the Matrix, along with what was left of the Time Lord’s reputation. And for what? So that you may extend your miserable life!
VALEYARD: Ooh, hark at him! You have no idea what drove me to this.
DOCTOR: Oh yes I do. Eric bloody Saward drove you to it. And if you’re my future, I’m having none of it.
[The Doctor walks purposely towards the Valeyard, who scrambles away.]
VALEYARD: Keep back!
DOCTOR: You don’t deserve to be my dark half, you weak spineless dog!
VALEYARD: Weak? Me? I’ll show you WEAK you misguided maxim of mediocrity!
[Suddenly the Valeyard grabs the door handle, slams down hard the fridge flies open. Blinding white light floods into the room, accompanied by what sounds like a massive, primeval roar. It’s as though Pandora’s Box has been opened – and I’m not talking about the Adrian Mole spin-off porno! Glitz cowers against a wall as the Doctor is flung against the console.]
VALEYARD: Not so fucking confident now, are we?
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Scene 27 – Trial Room
[Stunned, everyone in the room is gathered around the screen, watching. The whole courtroom starts to rumble and shake as a strange wind blows through the station. The roaring can be heard.]
BASTARD: Well, that’s us screwed over.
INQUISITOR: [mutters] What has he done?
KIPPER: He’s gone mad! He’s doing exactly what the script says in a feeble excuse to get rid of the character and cancel the entire series!
[A bolt of energy shoots out of the screen and strikes the wall, causing an explosion.]
INQUISITOR: We’re going to have to paint that over, as well!
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Scene 28 – Deep Space
[Explosions rock the yellow submarine and most of the neon signs splutter and go out. It starts to ripple and distort like a reflection on silver foil being shaken... whoops, nearly gave away a BBC trade secret there.]
KIPPER: [vo] The insurance company is never going to believe this!
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Scene 29 – the Valeyard’s TARDIS
[The room is shaking loudly as the roaring grows louder and louder. Parts of the console start to explode and Glitz grabs the music hall posters to stop him falling in, but they tear under his weight. The Doctor struggles to get towards the Valeyard as he rants.]
VALEYARD: Taking me seriously NOW, aren’t you? Not some rubbish bit of comic relief today!
GLITZ: What’s that horrible noise? It sounds like Dudley Simpson in a blender!
DOCTOR: The howl of primeval forces unknown since the birth of creation!
VALEYARD: YES! And in another minute the disruption will be irreversible! The structure of creation shall come tumbling down with all the other abstract nouns! The collapse will spread out like ripples in a pint of bitter, throughout the whole of time and space! The universe will become nothing more than a husk, unravelling until every part of reality is reduced to uniform, leveled nothingness!
[Another lightning bolt emerges from the fridge and blows a hole in the floor.]
VALEYARD: This is Saward’s final victory! THE DESTRUCTION OF DOCTOR WHO ITSELF!!!
[The Doctor reaches the Valeyard, grabs him and pushes him hard in the direction of the open fridge. The Doctor follows, locks his arms around the Valeyard and they continue to struggle.]
DOCTOR: You know, it’s not the evil.... Not the weakness.... Not the cowardice... It’s the sheer unprofessionalism of that man that shocks me!
[Suddenly the duo are on the edge of the fridge, still fighting.]
DOCTOR: Trial of a Time Lord? CASE DISMISSED!
[A moment later, they have fallen into the fridge.]
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Scene 30 – Trial Room
[Close up on Mel. Who is still unconscious. Peaceful, isn’t it? As the wind rages, the Kipper turns to the Inquisitor in horror.]
KIPPER: What a rubbish punchline!
INQUISTOR: They’ll never renew the series now!
[Another explosion takes down some studio lights, which explode in clear view. Bugger. That’ll definitely be in The Discontinuity Guide now!]
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