6th Doctor - Recorded Time

Serial 6Z/AA – Recorded Whine
Recorded Whine
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' 150 OF THESE FUCKING THINGS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! BLOOD?!?!?

Serial 6Z/AA – Recorded Whine -


Recorded Whine 1/4 – As The Name Would Imply

In a truly shocking break from the norm, the Doctor has decided to take his companions Peri and Sil to the stinking, disease ridden hellhole of England in the 16th Century. The Doctor is so delighted at the sight of the beautiful quarter-brick offsets in cross-bond with diaper patterning, he is unaware that some shoddy CSO background work has caused the entire Buckingham Palace or whatever those filthy whinging poms called it back then to leapfrog across the landscape and immediately dump the time traveling trio in the great hall.

Many Doctor Who fans have wondered why this is the only story in or out of canon to use this amazing narrative conceit and I can reveal exclusively here and now the reason is simple: it is total crap.

Wasting no time or historical accuracy, the Doctor, Peri and Sil head for the minstrel’s gallery where they can make lots of abuse jokes about lute music, over-consumption and Tudor merriment like those two old guys from The Muppet Show. (They were actually lovers, you know.)

From here they earn the wrath of 45-year-old King Henry VIII for their chants of "Who ate all the suckling pigs? You, fat bastard! You, fat bastard! You!" but lucky Henry is a fun-loving womanizing sadistic megalomaniac and Peri’s tits blow his tiny 1536-mind. One can only imagine how many of his wives would have lived longer had they possessed wonderbras? Well, maybe not Anne of Cleaves...

With all the tedious predictability of Sid James in Carry On Don’t Lose Your Head... hell, all the predictability of Sid James full stop... Henry immediately falls for Peri. Even more predictably, his current bit of totty, Mrs. A. Boleyn (AKA "I’m the Bloody Queen, Mate!"), takes a rather dim view on this particular development.

After some ghastly stand up comedy routines clearly pinched from William Shakespeare and Peri’s less-than-successful drunken karaoke rendition of "Greensleeves", something vaguely approaching a plot is gradually uncovered with ponderous sobriety.

As Sil finds himself chosen to be a novelty pet for Anne Boleyn, the Doctor and Peri meets the official King’s Scrivener – a kindly, overworked and loyal retainer whose skill at PR spin can now warp the very fabric of reality itself and can forge history anew!

The Doctor marvels at the impressive philosophical implications of such a plot device before it strikes him it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense in any way, shape or form – even the token explanation that the Scribe has a quill made out of the Temporal Phoenix’s feathers doesn’t cut much ice with the Time Lord:

"An immortal bird whose wings are said to beat the seconds of Time itself, flying forever in a time loop? What a pile of circumlocutory offal! I am disposed to break your chin for your lies, old man!"

The Scrivener, desperate to get the Doctor on his side and prove his good intentions, immediately writes into existence a beautiful brunette love interest. When the Doctor replies he is not of that sexual orientation, the embarrassed scribe hastily promises she’ll be conveniently killed off before the end of the episode.

Henry VIII bursts in, having had the revolutionary and not-at-all contrived and hackneyed idea of using the Scribe to rewrite his official biography so the King lives forever! The monarch begins a very long, long, long, long, LONG self-justification speech about how he deserves the power of life and death over the world and every member of mankind that dares exist upon its surface.

"Whoops," the Doctor lies, setting fire to the quill pen.

With the magic quill destroyed, Henry VIII’s plot to conquer the universe is totally foiled – but the King takes this with surprising maturity and simply goes off to the local patent office with the lyrics to a fantastic new pop song he can lip-sync to, "Greensleeves".

Feeling rather surplus to requirements, the Doctor, Peri and Sil return to the TARDIS for an adventure that won’t be quite so feeble and pointless as this one.

But their luck doesn’t seem to be improving...



Recorded Whine 2/4 – Peroxide

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is idly spinning through the various distress calls and death cries of countless doomed planets, species and civilizations on the off chance one of them is able to be slightly original and witty before oblivion swallows them up.

Finally, he is puzzled when he hears a recording of Peri apparently leading the vicious feminazi collective known as the Dropdeadgorgeous who intend to conquer the legendary lost planet of Dropdeadgorgeouson. Why the hell are the interplanetary Dropdeadgorgeous warriors trying to conquer their own planet? How the hell does that work?

The Doctor immediately sets the TARDIS to land on Dropdeadgorgeouson and is halfway out the doors before Sil reminds him that the atmosphere Dropdeadgorgeous is a subtle blend of Argon and mustard gas, so he should probably wear some sort of protection.

Decked out in Space Anoraks, the Doctor and Sil creep out onto the post-apocalyptic wasteland wiped out by an overly-cryptic holocaust millennia previously. After marveling at the model work and general post-human atmos, the time travelers remember why the hell they came there and realize they have no idea what to do there – especially as any recording Peri has or will make was carried out thousands of years in the past when this planet was actually habitable.

Sil spots a mysterious looking building marked "SPACE ARMORY FULL OF BAD ASS KILL-O-ZAP WEAPONRY – NO COACH PARTIES, PLEASE!" and immediately decides to pop inside and see if he can make a fast buck either by selling the armory’s contents to gun runners across the galaxy or else setting up a thriving tourism business.

Alas, no sooner has he outlined this brilliant plan then both he and the Doctor are immediately arrested by a squad of big-breasted peroxide-blonde space babes – the Dropdeadgorgeous themselves! These dangerous alien psycho feminists have only one weakness, the fact they can be outsmarted by an average house brick. They are so stupid, in fact, the Doctor requires a mind probe to even communicate with their leader Busty Bertha, who cannot walk and blink at the same time.

Eventually the Doctor and Sil realized the moronic Dropdeadgorgeous are actually wanting to break into their own armory because they are completely unable to comprehend the concept of a door knob. In fact, Bertha has spent centuries working out the brilliant plan of going back in time BEFORE the door was closed and then sneaking in through the gap to gain access to the weapons of masturbation. Sorry, mass destruction. My concentration wandered a bit there. I wonder why?

For a laugh, the Doctor and Sil use the TARDIS to draw Bertha and her Dropdeadgorgeous battle fleet back in time before the destruction of all life on Dropdeadgorgeouson where the space bimbos, so stupid they’re actually surprised by their surroundings change, immediately start opening fire on everyone and everything – including themselves!

Hiding in the corner, the Doctor and Sil watch as the Dropdeadgorgeous begin slaughtering their own ancestors which, would you Adam and Eve it?, triggers off the pan-global holocaust that destroys the surface of the planet Dropdeadgorgeouson in the first place. The Doctor considers trying explain this unfathomable temporal paradox to Big Bertha, but gets bored just suggesting it.

Bertha instead storms the open armory and finds a cool weapon that destroys all sentient life and uses it – only a handful of Dropdeadgorgeous of sufficiently low IQ survive, to be lead by the even-stupider-than-before Big Bertha who will cause all this mess in the first place in an endless temporal loop...

Shaking their heads in disgust, the Doctor and Sil return to the TARDIS and conclude the message they receive wasn’t from Peri after her, it just SOUNDED a bit like her and the whole thing was a dreadful misunderstanding. So. Yeah.



Recorded Whine 3/4 – Jane Austen’s Most Excellent Adventure!

Realizing that Peri didn’t actually appear in the previous episode, the Doctor and Sil search for their lost compatriot and find her in some shoddy Virtual Reality get up (including helmet, gloves, boots and of course codpiece with groinal attachment) that they got cheap from one of Sil’s one-time employees, Sabalom Glitz.

Unfortunately, Peri is now trapped in Jane Austen World, condemned to spend the rest of her days in the inaccurate belief she is the Bennett Sister with the enormous tits and the caricatured American accent

It quickly becomes apparent that the only way to save Peri is to "win" the game by marrying her – and that’s something the Doctor refuses to even attempt on the grounds that it would ruin the long-term platonic relationship he has set up with Peri. Well, during all the times he hasn’t been throttling her to death, anyway.

So it must be Sil who swallows his deeply-ingrained disgust for humanoid females and their strangely-shaped reproductive organs and thus enters the Virtual Longbourn House to try and win the hand of Miss Peri in marriage.

Sil manages to get an audience with Peri and explain that he holds her in the greatest esteem and feels bold enough to confess the affection he has for her. Unfortunately, that stinky "three-day-old kebab" smell all mammalian life possesses makes Sil vomit uncontrollably when he asks Peri to grant him her hand in marriage.

This kind of kills the romantic mood.

Determined to show his sluggy friend how a REAL 19th Century romantic hero does it, the Doctor forgets his former heterophobia and immediately logs on as "Dr. Darcy" and runs through a lake to get his shirt all transparent and glistening on his amazing pectorals.

And anyone who knows what Colin Baker looks like will know why this cunning plan is an unmitigated failure in every important respect. In fact, it actually makes Sil’s projectile vomit seem all-in-all rather endearing in comparison.

Alas, due to a glitch in the hardware, Mr. Heathcliffe D’urberville is also on the prowl to get his hands on the Bennett Sister with the Bronx accent and Bodacious Bust! However the self-same glitch restores Peri’s true personality and she smacks that bitch down!

However, the Doctor finds Heathcliffe D’urberville rather sexy and ends up engaged to him instead by a series of coincidences, blunders and misunderstandings I honest to God cannot be arsed to transcribe.

Basically the rest of the episode is padded out with technobabble and clever-clever Jane Austen misquotes. Christ I hate literature snobs.


Recorded Whine 4/4 – Basic Punctuation

"There is a fifth dimension, beyond those which are known to man – a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge.

But enough of the dimension of imagination, let’s instead focus on an area we call Rejected Twilight Zone Scripts...

Assuming you were unwise enough to unlock the door to this wondrous land whose boundaries are that of the budget a mid-1960s anthology TV series, you should duck the impractically-placed signpost up ahead and travel to the next stop – where sight and sound and mind are rather derivative and clichéd...

And in this place of both shadow and substance, things and ideas, you’re about to meet a bunch of amnesiacs who know nothing but their names and their locations – and perhaps not even that. Just why has the pretentiously-titled Captain Destiny Grey lost her memory? Does her jerkass of a science officer Greg Stone know the truth? Or is young and enthusiastic cadet Arnie McCallister the one with the answers?

But Occam’s Razor suggests the real reason for events will be found from the three intruders who has no place here, but have had their memories removed just as much as everyone else present. Who is the mysterious American brunette with the truly epic cleavage? Or her curly-haired badly-dressed pal with the truly epic ego? And why are they traveling with a three foot green slug with a skin-crawling laugh?

A further mystery one would be advised to investigate is the sudden rise of stifling heat in their darkened surroundings and as the temperature rises and tempers wear thin...

Actually, you know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I am not going to bother to build up suspense, I’ll just ruin the twist here and now like wikipedia does with every other damn story!

Turns out that the Doctor, Peri and Sil landed on a research ship studying a generic lava planet. When some mistake in the coordinates meant the TARDIS relocated itself to a completely different planet, the Doctor decided to go and get it in the most over-complicated, sadistic and destructive manner possible: he cunningly ripped out the circuit controlling the anti-lava force fields and used the doohickey to teleport everyone to the TARDIS before the hull melts.

Unfortunately, this dodgy transmat system means that it leaves unstable and amnesiac clones of the Doctor, Peri, Sil and the crew behind aboard the doomed ship without a clue what’s going on!

Luckily, before the magma can completely dissolve the ship all the teleport clones start to dissolve into nothingness one by one. Finally only the clone of Captain Grey is left, insane from fear and paranoia and unaware of the truth as death finally claims her.

Hah! Loser!

We hope you enjoyed tonight’s paranoia-fueled story but we want to assure you that it was, of course, purely fictional. In real life, such ridiculous nonsense like broken teleport clones could never... oh dear, I appear to be dissolving myself... Shit...

Well, that’s the way it goes..."


Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who: Imp and Impotence
Red Dwarf 7 – Beyond A Joke
The Eight Wives of Henry VI, an exhaustively-researched costume drama miniseries by Mark Gatiss on BBC2


Goofs –
The Doctor claims that his outfit will be height of fashion in 1986. It wasn’t. In fact, saying it will be the height of fashion when hell freezes over seems wildly optimistic if you ask me...


Technobabble -
The Dropdeadgorgeous use internal teleportation grid maxtrixes aboard their ship to get from one room to another before they get confused and forget where they were going. The fucking retards.


Links and References -
"Danger? Pah! I’ve mastered the Dark Tower of the Death Zone on Gallifrey! Solved the riddles posed by the Cybermen’s Tomb on Telos! Survived the city of the Exxilons! I don’t suppose that any of this turning you on is it, Heathcliffe old chap?"


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor reveals he gave Elizabeth R a space disease to make all her hair fall out, SIMPLY to ruin a date between the queen and an unspecified future incarnation of the Doctor himself, described as "a skinny, spikey-haired Scottish git in trainers".


Groovy DVD Extras -
WAV recordings of every single BF production. It DOES explain why this release costs £13,000 though, doesn’t it?


Dialogue Disasters -

Peri: Mr. Darcy! In my bedchamber! I’d never have thought you so bold!
Mr. Darcy: A passion such as mine, once stirred, is hard to ignore.
Peri: Mr. Darcy, what are you implying?!
Mr. Darcy: A woman of such perspicacity would no doubt be aware of my question already.
Peri: And a man of such certainty would be aware of my answer!
Mr. Darcy: Quite.
Peri: So I suppose we don’t actually have to talk to each other.
Mr. Darcy: It seems so.
Peri: Shall we get on with the sex then?
Mr. Darcy: It would be most appreciated.


McCallister: You’re the science officer, you tell me! I’m just a cadet, remember? It says so on my badge. Along with the words "Kiss Me Quick, Lube Me Slow" for some reason.


Sil: I am woman! Hear me roar!


Inquisa: No more talking! Doctor, you are procrastinating!
Doctor: No, I am not! HOW DARE YOU!!
(Beat)
Doctor: Ohhhhhh. "Procrastinating". Sorry. Misheard you.


Henry VIII: Dance, I say! I am the King. I will not be ignored!
Doctor: I think you’re going to have to shake your groove thing, Peri.
Peri: But I can’t just give him what they want. And anyway, aren’t there rules against this kind of bad taste pandering to the lowest common denominator?
Doctor: More than I could easily quote just now, but it IS the 150th anniversary story, so just get on that pole and start gyrating before everyone gets bored and switches off!


Sarcastic bitch Destiny Grey discusses the Doctor’s outfit:
"Camouflaged. Discreet. Inconspicuous. Especially the question marks."


Henry VIII: I fear, my Queen, that you are in the doldrums.
Anne: You are wrong, sire. I am as merry as a lamb.
Henry VIII: You are sullen, lady. Do not contradict your king.
Anne: Oh, so you WANT me to be miserable now, do you? God, mother was right about you, you’re a feckless good-for-nothing who’ll leave me high and dry for the first bit of trailer trash that comes along!
Henry VIII: Aw, come on. Who’s your daddy?
Anne: You tell me! And tell me who your bit on the side is, you shit!
Henry VIII: These bursts of the humours bore me, madam.
Anne: TOUGH SHIT YOU FICKLE PERVERT! YOU WANT SOMEONE TO TELL YOU YOU’RE NOT PATHETIC! FIND A TAVERN WENCH WITH NO SENSE OF SELF-RESPECT AND A PAIR OF TWEEZERS! Go on then, behead me! I dare you!
Henry VIII: I’m just about at the end of my tether with you...
Anne: YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH OF A TETHER TO REACH, DO YOU, TADPOLE COCK?!?


Doctor: Let’s drop the pretence, shall we? I know full well what you are as bisexual as a Vietnamese ladyboy!
Heathcliffe: Miss Brown does not concern me now. The fair sex have their uses, but a man has whole worlds of pleasures to indulge.
Doctor: Hah! I knew it!



Dialogue Triumphs -

Peri: "Perpugilliam Darcy". I like the sound of that.
Doctor: Dear God, what is WRONG with you?!


Henry VIII: But tell me, "Doctor"...
Doctor: Yes, your Majesty?
Henry VIII: Do you know any good bottom jokes?
Doctor: I’m sorry?
Henry VIII: Jokes pertaining to the bottom.
Doctor: Forgive me, your awesome presence has wiped the usual store of lavatorial humor from the tablet of my mind. I can do a decent Ben Elton impression if you like?
Henry VIII: Oh all right. I’ll give it a go.
(The Doctor puts on some sunglasses.)
Doctor: Ahem. "Blahdy-blahdy-blah! Thatcher’s Britain! I wonder if the liberals in the audience got THAT one? Whoops, little bit of politics there! My name’s Ben Elton – GOODNIGHT!"
Henry VIII: Mmm. Not bad.


Inquisa: Mind analysis reveals the Time Lord is susceptible to recordings of hardcore sub-dom between homosexual males... Calm yourself, Doctor - you disgrace your gender!


Anne Boleyn on being given Sil as a pet –
"The sort of charm cheap harlots provide. Who do you think I am, husband? Paris fucking Hilton or something?"


Soothsayer: Show me your hand. I see Time spread across your palm. Your lifeline is... these breaks are inexplicable! You have died, yet you live... wait. I get it. It’s your fashion sense that has died.
Doctor: I hope you’re not expecting a tip!
Soothsayer: Of course not! I can see the future, you cheapskate!


Tilly: Mr. Sil has a handsome water tank for a steed, does he not? And he is extremely... without any legs.
Peri: As befits one of his social standing.
Tilly: Ten thousand grotzi a year, I do believe. I confess, such a sum would not go amiss.
Peri: Should that affect our opinion of him?
Tilly: Have you SEEN the ugly little bastard?!?!


Just a sample of the impressive dialogue that pads out episode four –
Doctor: Tell me then, Mr. Stone: how, exactly, does one set about reactivating a shut-down shield generator?
Stone: You mean you don’t remember?
Doctor: Which part of "I’ve lost my memory" are you not comprehending, you dense piece of distended rectum?


Peri: Is it me, or is it getting hotter? Just call me Mystery Woman!


Henry VIII: My dearest Peri, I want to show you something far more magnificent than the palace silverware!
Peri: There is nothing you could show me that I haven’t seen before.
Henry VIII: Nonsense! BEHOLD, MADAM – MY DEEPEST SECRET!
(Unzipping noise)
Peri: ...no wonder you had such a problem siring an heir.


Viewer Quotes -

"This one... was OK. I mean, it was inconsequential and downbeat and had less impact than a flatulent flea when it came to making a lasting impression on the listener... but it’s better than anything Dave Segal had to offer mankind."
- Sarah "Fictional Hippopotamus" Hadley (2011)

"I found the use of new writers fresh and there was a sense of energy and creativity here that I haven’t felt in the main range for perhaps up to three minutes ago."
- Jo Ford Prefect (2012)

"I always hate it when Anne Bronte gets left out of casual conversation. It really gets on my tits, that."
- annebronte4ever on imdb (1999)

"Of course I have seen Big Finish deliver better, particularly the three-piece furniture suite they brought to my house on carrier pigeon, but this was light and fluffy and hugely enjoyable in exactly the same way Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass wasn’t. I would rather have oral sex with a gibbon of dubious personal hygiene... but that’s neither here or there."
- the bloke who plays "Wilfred" (2011)

"Instantly forgettable, instantly guessable, unfocussed and labored. If there was a Doctor Who story for Gordon Brown, this is it."
- David Cameron (2012)

"I was so looking forward to this. Of all Big Finish’s Doctors Colin is the best ambassador for the genuine joy that is Doctor Who at its most mediocre. I really love Colin’s Doctor! Like, MORE than a friend."
- Ron Mallet after he’s had a few too many (2012)

"I was delighted with most was the prevalent role Peri played in each
performance, sometimes pivotal, perhaps. Given that in some plays,
Peri perches on the peripheries, here she appeared prominent. Okay, I should really start taking my medication again."
- Gay "Alliteration Is Cool" Russell (2012)

"If the one hundred and fiftieth release of Big Finish wasn’t your cup of tea, hopefully there’ll be a pint of stout, a nice Chianti, a diet coke and glass of water along shortly. But no tea. Shit."
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"


Psychotic Nostalgia -
"One hundred and FIFTY stories and THIS is all they could offer? Some costume dramas and an old Twilight Zone episode? Just because the last time Big Finish attempted epic was without doubt the most hideous development not written by Paul Margrs, we get this boring hackwork? I tell you, I’ve gutted high-schoolers for less. I think it’s time to spill some blood at Big Finish. Oh, Briggsy? Briiigsy...?"


Colin Baker Speaks!
"Ah yes. 150 stories and I still have plenty of six appeal. Haha. That probably works better as a joke out aloud rather than on paper. As an occasional – very occasional – writer myself, I’m torn about these anthologies because although each episode has a great central concept worthy of expansion to a full story but then again it’s so much easier to write one-episode stories. Even if they’re crap they are also mercifully brief. Hats off to the writers for not being too rubbish – yeah, that WAS a snub against you, Eric you utter wanker!

I do like stories set in history or novels in history. I really rather liked Lost in Austen – well, apart from that ghastly woman who they got to play Izzy Sinclair last year, anyway – and I would have loved to have had eight episodes of that. Yes, that’s ANOTHER insult, Saward, you total nob-gobbler! Where was I? Oh yes. Historicals. I like historicals. Historicals are cool. As are paradoxes! That is what Doctor Who should be doing and more power to the Grand Moff’s elbow for throwing out any kind of drama or plot and just crafting ever more intricate and glorious ontological loops. You never got stuff like that when you were script editor, were you, Eric you cunt-biscuit?!?

The last episode is one of the most thought-provoking of stories I’ve done for Big Finish. Apart from that one with the prank phone calls. But if you don’t know about that, then this is clearly the number one on the morose scale. And I’m looking forward to the 1000th Big Finish release very eagerly indeed.

As long as Eric Saward isn’t involved."


Rumors & Facts –

Yes, yet another of Big Finish’s blatant money-grubbing schemes compromises our listening pleasure as we get the second four-for-the-price-of-one-but-the-price-of-one-is-quadrupled release of the year!

Only a mere fifty releases earlier, the Sixth Doctor appeared in the inaccurately-titled "300" – God, time flies when there’s nothing good on TV, doesn’t it? In a self-congratulatory display of orgiastic immensitude, Big Finish decided to do a similar four-story anthology in the tradition of "300" and "Twenty-Four" to celebrate the one hundredth BF release and the forty-fifth anniversary of Doctor Who.

This time, however, the theme would not be an arbitrary number that could so easily get confused by illiterate and innumerate hacks. It would, ironically enough, be about the power of words and communication to influence relationships, societies and ultimately the world around us. So, for example, Recorded Whine is aptly set at a time when the English translation of the Bible was becoming the most significant event in British History. Not that this event is important to the plot or even mentioned. I have no idea why I brought it up. In fact, this whole "power of the written word" is pretty much a subtext I’ve totally made up on the spot! I really must stop reading anything published on the Magic Bullet website...

So, with all this stuff about powerful language Big Finish immediately decided to simply release three scripts that hadn’t been good enough for the previous anthology (the Fifth Doctor’s "The Cretin of Red Lodge and Other Morons"). But was any ONE of these submissions by me? No! Apparently the amazing satire of virtual reality I penned – entitled "Immoral Victories" – wasn’t up to the high standard of old Twilight Zone episodes and that shit with The Other Boleyn Girl!

No doubt if I’d been a close member of Nicholas Briggs’ family and handed in a script based entirely on that rubbish Guy Fawkes Oddly Visual no one likes, I might have got employed as long as the ending was suitably derivative and melancholy!

Oh yeah, "Rick Briggs", I’M ON TO YOU BUDDY!!

In fact, the closest thing this story has to an original episode is a word-for-word rip-off of the Red Dwarf episode "Beyond A Joke" – curiously it’s written by one of the struggling actresses who played one of the generic Bennett sisters in that episode. Small world or sinister conspiracy? YOU decide!

On the plus side, this episode does focus on the story arc of random characters lusting after Peri and takes it to the logical conclusion of the Doctor himself trying to slip her one!

Ahem. I suppose you’ll be wanting some of them "facts" to balance out the "rumors". Fine. This anthology thing didn’t come about because Interesting Time or The Company of Jerks were any good, but because they were so easy to schedule and record they could get up to twelve hours MORE drinking time. Happy?

And it was during one of this periods of wall-to-wall inebriation and vomiting that Jason Haigh-Ellery, Alan Barnes and David Sax got a bit... tired and emotional. Yes, as tired and emotional as a newt. And they began to rant that more people were downloading illegal copies of their stories off the internet than were actually buying it – and, worse, the combined number was embarrassingly small.

After 150 straight months of pandering to every lowest-common-denominator and pleasing every disgusting and sordid fanwanky whim, Big Finish STILL were treated with as much respect as Gilbert and George at a pre-school art show! And, like many before them, they exorcised their pain and frustration in song...


"YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!" by the Brotherhood of Darkened Time

Oddly Visuals, claiming the residuals,
No more remakes, only brand new individuals
Got Baker and Fielding and McGann
Each of them getting stories in the can
Yet it’s not enough,
Not nearly, and we’re definitely stuffed!

On the streets, the sellers don’t mark up
And all the stores don’t bother to stock up
This Doctor Who may be totally legit
All that matters is none of you paid for it!

If we only knew what we should do
To make you, make you buy these!
To make you, make you buy these!

Dustbin Umpire and Gallifrey 90210
Spin offs with Sarah Jane, Jackie and Sammo
More Benny Summerfield that can be good for you
All this things and five Doctors unbound
You think customers would flock to this sound
But instead they go online and
Download it gleefully
Illegally – and for free!

If we only knew what we should do
To make you, make you subscribers!
to make you, make you subscribers!

We listened to the forums with their opinion polls
Lots of better actors and no more plot-holes
And now we despair!
The whole company’s screwed, it’s just not fair!
Mark down prices, download vices
But everyone just steals it from bit torrent devices!

If we only knew what we could do
To stop you, stop you pirating!
to stop you, stop you pirating!

If we only knew what we could do, yeah, yeah!
If we only knew what we could do...